where is this journey taking me ?

as i mentioned in my last post, it's a new year to embrace on the opportunity to learn and grow and figure out what makes me tick - in other words, do the things i do.

in all of my praying and thinking and seeking, there are some key elements to what i've learned and i think it's important to get it written down. but before i do, i must admit that this is a HUGE step for me. to put my heart on my blog, so to say. i don't really even know why i'm doing this, other than to just get it written down. (as many times as i've tried, i'm just not a consistent journal-er, so it must be in typed form).

so, here goes.

when i was growing up, my daddy would say quite often 'jill, you're so beautiful. . . . . .if only you could lose some weight'. or 'you have such beautiful eyes. . .if only'. . . . or 'you're so smart. . . .if only'. yep - just about every time.

now let me say here that i adored my daddy. and he adored me. i was his little girl and he protected me like nobodies business. there was never a moment when i thought he wasn't trying to protect me from the world. i think he really thought that he was trying to help me.

it never really dawned on me that what he was saying would have an impact later in life. also, as i look back on photos from high school, i may not have been the skinniest kid on the block BUT, i wasn't morbidly obese either. (i wore a size 11 / 13).

so, i came to the conclusion about 18 months ago that the reason i do what it do as it pertains to . . .collecting (some might even say on the verge of very organized hoarding), crafting, swapping, giving tea parties, hosting events, making things for people. . .what ever it may be as it pertains to being socially engaged with others. . .was due to a desire to be loved and appreciated. i subconciously thought that 'well, if i'm a size 18, people won't like me so there has to be another reason.' if i have this or that and then can give it to them if they like it (such as a plate, picture, vase. . . .or whatever else they may like within reason) THEN, there is a reason for people to like me - because why would they hang around if i was a size 18 ?

i am happy to report to you all today that i am (finally) learning to not think like this - and this is my journey.

my Heavenly Father has revealed through His Word and friends and family that I AM ENOUGH, just the way i am.

if my Heavenly Father loves me, and my husband loves me and my children love me and my family loves me, does it really matter if no-one else does ? of course the girl who wants to be loved and appreciated and included and valued and liked and. . .and. . . and. . . still has those moments of uncertainty, but i'm learning.

in the next few days, i'll share how i've been given little nuggets of information and words of wisdom from people i've met and people i haven't and how they've helped me along in this journey.

so, if you've made it this far in the post, thank you for listening.

and thank you for being my friend - even if my dress does have a tag on it that says size 18.

 

*If typepad were cooperating, i would have inserted a pretty picture here, but for some reason it's taking forever to upload a photo. not sure what is going on ! Argh.

Comments

[Nikki Gamon]

Beautiful brave girl! I have always assumed that people just put up with me to be polite but didn't really like me. I'm learning to stop thinking this way. For what it's worth, you have inspired me since the day I met you and I never even noticed your size. Much love to you art sister!

[Lisa H.]

Thanks for posting this! Along these same lines, I've benefited greatly from Emily Freeman's _Grace for the Good Girl_. Have you read that?

[Sarah]

Jill my dear, you are amazing. Just the way you are!!! Hugs!

[barbara jean]

guess I am ready this from 'end' to beginning, and should start at beginning.

But, I am enjoying what I am reading, and I am sure the very things you are sharing and learning yourself, will hep all of us in recognizing why we do the things we do,too.

I do not care what size you are; what I see is your wonderful smile, and a heart big as the universe. And I adore those warm and cuddly hugs from you.

thanks for sharing Jill
blessings
barb